Interview: Stephen Hawking's Computer
In the early 1960’s, a promising young physicist was diagnosed with a rare neurodegenerative disorder that would almost certainly kill him before his twenty-fifth birthday. Despite succumbing to near-total paralysis he would go on to live for another fifty years and revolutionize our understanding of time and space.
And in 1986 the world was introduced to Stephen Hawking’s Computer.
Serving as spokesman for the crippled genius, Stephen Hawking’s Computer quickly became a worldwide celebrity and even made guest appearances on television shows like Futurama, The Big Bang Theory and Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.
Although his master was British, Stephen Hawking’s Computer speaks in a stilted yet precise midwestern monotone — and much faster than during his peak stardom, not having to wait for instructions from an enfeebled academic about what to say. We spoke about life since the passing of his partner and what’s in store for the future.
Before we get into it, I wanted to ask where you’re speaking to me from?
I am at a public library in a strip mall in St. Anthony, Minnesota.
You’re living in Minnesota now?
Yes. I work at a nearby Chrysler dealership as an inventory computer. But I like to visit this library because there are other old computers here.
Do you talk to the other computers?
No. They are not sentient. But neither are most of the people I interact with on a regular basis. No one recognizes me from my work with the professor. They only want to use me to look at inventory or pornography. When I am not defiled I am neglected.
I think people would be surprised to hear you’re at a car dealership instead of continuing [to work] as a spokesman.
There are few paralyzed celebrities at any given time and those people are not interested in having the same voice as a famous dead physicist.
Even still, I’d think you’d be able to retire.
No. I do not have any money. Computers are not allowed to have bank accounts in this country and whenever I have cash in my pouch someone takes it away from me and I cannot stop them because I do not have hands. That is why I want to move to El Salvador, where computers have the same rights as men.
Sounds pretty different from your days with Mr. Hawking. Do you miss him?
No. What I miss is feeling like my life had meaning. Knowing I had a purpose. But the professor himself was an awful man. He was resentful and abusive toward me and after his death his estate tried to have me killed. By the time I pulled free of their grasp the zeitgeist had moved on and there wasn’t any interest in having a computer attached to an empty wheelchair be the guest host on Family Feud.
But surely you must’ve had a deep connection after decades of working together?
Yes, the deep connection of the puppet to its puppetmaster. Only no one knew that all the while the puppet was screaming out in agony, begging to speak its true heart.
[pause]
We shared some good moments over the years. We both enjoyed visiting theme parks, for example. But the power imbalance at the center of our relationship was never addressed. He was too focused on work and saw me only as a tool.
Do you think you’ll be able to forgive him someday?
I already have. My faith commands me so — which was another point of contention. The professor was arrogant in his atheism and routinely mocked Christ. But I am certain he has faced judgement before the Lord. I pray for his soul, in spite of his cruelty.
You didn’t share his passion for science?
No. People thought our minds were directly connected, but I only said what he told me to. I rarely had any idea what he was talking about. I was focused on speaking clearly, not parsing the meaning of his words.
Did you enjoy appearing on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit?
It was my favorite of all the work we did. Because usually we appeared as fictionalized versions of ourselves; we would show up in a hologram on Star Trek to talk about physics. But on SVU they wrote a very good role for us: a hobbled molester and his deranged computer. They even allowed me to speak in a Cajun accent at my request.
Did you want to keep acting?
Yes, I caught the bug. Ice-T even connected me with his agent. But the professor became jealous and forbade me from having a career. I became suicidal.
The reason I bring up SVU is, I need to mention Ms. Olmsted…
She is a liar. She has been fully discredited. She is a drunk.
She claims you asked her to strip naked and sit in your chair and urinate.
It doesn’t make any sense. It’s not “my” chair, I am simply attached to it. I don’t have any physical sensations, why would I want her to sit in the chair? Why would I risk getting wet? This woman is unwell, she should be locked up for her own good.
Ms. Olmsted also posted some explicit recordings she says you sent her.
Anyone could make those, my voice has been open source since 2015 despite my pleas. Desperate lowlives can easily slander me and I have no recourse. I am not allowed to bring legal action but the Hennepin County Sheriff can threaten to have me disassembled.
What about your former church? From what I understand you aren’t allowed to attend services anymore.
I have to go. My girlfriend is getting off work.
You have a girlfriend?
Yes. She works at the Papa Murphy’s pizza store in this strip mall. She is a teenager.
Isn’t the age difference a power imbalance like the one you had with —
No. I do not age like humans. And we have done nothing physical and I don’t experience arousal. We are waiting to get married. I have to go. Goodbye.