What If The Candidates Were In Video Games?

NOTE: I originally wrote this article for Slate, for which I was to be compensated $150. After receiving my initial draft they informed me they would not run the piece. I’ve since requested half of what I expected to be paid ($75) as a kill fee but have not heard back.

With the upcoming election dominating all the algorithms, lowly games journalists such as myself are searching for ways to jazz up our typical fare with some topical relevance. Many have pointed out Trump’s rise mirroring that of Gamers developing a class consciousness — “Power to the Players” has a threatening MAGA-esque ring to it. And no one would call it a coincidence that Kamala Harris is getting her time in the spotlight the same year as the release of Princess Peach: Showtime! for Nintendo Switch.

But while it may be illuminating to consider political events through the lens of video games as a cultural phenomena, it is perhaps more revealing to flip the standard critique on its head and imagine what it would be like if the politicians themselves were placed within video game worlds. What might we learn about the characters of Trump and Harris if they lived in a world inhabited by another sort of character? By which of course I mean, video game characters.

What if Donald Trump was in Mega Man X3?

The third installment in the series begins with an exciting aerial assault on Dr. Doppler’s compound. After a few screens of classic Mega Man side-scrolling action, X is incapacitated during a brief cutscene and players are finally given the chance to play as Zero, X’s Z-Saber wielding companion. It is one of the best introduction stages in the entire franchise.

If former president Donald Trump existed in the world of Mega Man X3 it is likely he would not be a central figure. The Reploid uprising causes a great deal of chaos, but as humans aren’t able to shoot energy beams from their arms they tend to stay out of the way and have no direct impact on the war.

It’s safe to assume Donald Trump would avoid zones taken over by Mavericks such as Safari Park, Shipyard and Giant Dam. He may be affected indirectly, say if there were a Trump Tower in Frozen Town, where Blizzard Buffalo has taken over. But probably he would have insurance on the building so there would be no reason for him to make an appearance. And even if he was around he couldn’t do anything.

What if Joe Biden was in Metal Gear Solid 2?

MGS2 takes place in a world of military intrigue, vast parapolitical conspiracies and advanced AI threatening to unravel the illusion of democracy. The game reveals that a clandestine organization called The Patriots has controlled The United States from behind the scenes for decades and directly appointed the previous president George Sears, who is actually Solid Snake’s brother as they are both clones of Big Boss.

Although it may be tempting to compare the shadowy grip of The Patriots to the backroom machinations of the DNC, the fact is if Joe Biden existed in this universe he would have never been made president, much less be aware of the true nature of the sham government he’s working for.

Solid Snake or Raiden never visit the Senate Foreign Relations Committee during the game, which takes place mostly in a marine cleanup facility, and so in all likelihood Joe Biden would not make an appearance even if he existed in the MGS universe. He would just be a normal senator. Nothing cool would happen.

What if Tim Walz was in Super Monkey Ball?

In Super Monkey Ball there’s a bunch of floating platforms and monkeys inside balls go around and try to collect stuff. Skimming through the cutscenes, which I didn’t know this series had, it appears there is an evil monkey named Dr. Bad-Boon who wants to molest the girl monkey. Maybe he put them in the balls. I don’t know.

I guess since monkeys can talk and become doctors in this world it’s probably a Planet of the Apes situation and if they saw Tim Walz they would either put him in a ball or kill him. Or think he’s a monkey with alopecia. In any case I don’t think Mr. Walz would have any role in governing the Monkey Ball world.

What if JD Vance was in Worms Armageddon?

Worms have little guns and shit like that in this game. Worms kill each other with little guns and bombs and it seems like they’ve destroyed the world due to their access to these weapons. I do not think JD Vance would be alive if he were in this video game.

JD Vance would be dead if he were in the worms video game.

What if Kamala Harris was in Elden Ring?

I don’t know